We have been trying to get pregnant with our third child for one year now. Some of you may say, "A year? That's nothing. I know so and so who has been trying for 6 years!" or some similar scenario. Yes, I am aware that people have faced years of infertility, multiple miscarriages, and/or never had the opportunity to have children of their own. I know there are other stories much sadder than mine, and my heart aches for them. But this is my life. My story. My journey. And just because others have it worse, or because it hasn't been "that" long, it is still not normal for me or easy for me. So many thoughts have been bottled up in me the last year. So many emotions. So many questions. So much. I just need to write my story and my thoughts somewhere, to vent, to remember, to get it out there. It has helped me to read and hear about other people's life experiences with this. Maybe what I have to say will help someone else. Maybe not. It will help me to get it out. So here it is - my story of fertility, miscarriage, infertility, and depression.
Back in the fall of 2006 I was 2 semesters away from being done with college...finishing up what I needed to do to get my Secondary Education English teaching certification. I first took a pregancy test in early September 2006. Actually I took three, just to make sure, and all came back positive!!
(pic from September 2006)
We were SOOO excited (and nervous!) We had only decided a month or two before that it was time to stop taking the birth control pills, and start trying to get pregnant. Looking back, it was bad planning on our part...(Planning. Ha! We will talk about THAT later!) Anyway, we thought it would take longer, but little did we know, it would only take less than a couple months! This would have put me due around April or May....possibly before I finished student teaching!! Yikes! In October, with nervous excitement we headed to our first appointment, around the 12 week mark, and anticipating the chance to hear our baby's little heart beat! I had never experienced such a rollercoaster of emotions as I did that day. The doctor found no heart beat with his little machine, so we headed to an ultrasound to double check. The ultrasound showed that our baby had stopped growing at around the 8 week mark. I had no idea that I had miscarried, had no signs or symptoms of a miscarriage. We went from the excited high of first time parents, to the low of realizing there would be no baby. Thankfully, my mom was coming up just a couple days later for her Fall break and was there for me when I had to have a D&C surgery. It was such an emotional and devastating experience. Miscarriage, though common, is NEVER easy. And just because it is common, as everyone tells you when you are going through it, it does not make it any easier when YOU are going through it! It also instills a permanent fear in you that it could happen again.We were told to wait at least a month before we started trying to get pregnant again. I tried to heal, physically and emotionally, and had to focus on finishing my last semester of college courses. I was also working at Applebee's so I was super busy. After the required recovery time, we sort of started trying again. Surprisingly, once again, it didn't take long. By February, I was pregnant! Just a couple of months again! We were so excited! What perfect timing, ya know other than the due date being in November, Dustin's busy basketball season, but I would be all done with school, and we were thrilled! :)
I think I was around 16 weeks along when I had a scary experience! I was laying on the couch with Dustin watching TV and felt a sudden gush. I ran to the bathroom to discover I was gushing blood! I of course immediately freaked out thinking I was having another miscarriage. A nightmare to be relived. We called the doctor's office, and because I was scheduled for an appointment the next day, and after the initial gush of blood, it was a lighter, they told me to monitor and come in if I thought I needed to or if I started crampingand otherwise they would see me in the morning. I spent that night bawling and not sleeping, thinking I was losing this baby as well. What a miserable night!
With swollen eyes and a heavy heart, we went to my appointment the next morning. They decided to do an ultrasound. What they discovered was a baby that was still perfectly healthy! Phew! But they saw a few problems. They believe what caused my bleeding was a subchorionic hemorrhage. This is where the placenta is tearing away from the uterine wall and the pocket fills with blood. Possible risks of this included: miscarriage, preterm labor, the baby not having enough room or time to grow big enough. From there it was determined that I would have ultrasounds every 4 weeks for the rest of my pregnancy to keep an eye on things. Many prayers were offered that this baby would be able to grow to full size and go full term. (We will talk about the irony of that later!)
That Spring I did my student teaching and received my teaching degree! By that summer it seemed I was in a safe zone with the pregnancy! I was happily pregnant and we were excitedly preparing for a new baby!
(July 2007: about 6 months into pregnancy)
(Dustin showing off our gender neutral clothes)
The pregnancy was closely monitored. Many prayers were offered, and we had no problems the rest of the pregnancy. In fact, at my many ultrasounds, it was discovered I was growing a giant baby! At my last ultrasound, it was predicted that he weighed over 10 pounds! Prayers were answered, he was carried to full term, and he was huge! (Do you see the irony!?)
(August - look how happy I look!)
Being pregnant truly made me happy. I was the most happy and most confident I have ever been in my life when I was pregnant. It is truly a miracle that I could grow a baby inside me! To feel him move. I absolutely love being pregnant! No I am not one of those people who never, ever get sick or have aches and pains. I did my fair share of barfing, I got the aches and pains, and by the end I was in pain everywhere from carrying around a baby the size of a 3 month old, but other than that, what an amazing experience! Trust me. I would do it again and again in a heart beat!
Because of the previous problems, because the baby was huge and they were unsure if he would fit, and because it was also discovered in an ultrasound that the umbilical cord was non-helical in a spot (which posed the risk of it it getting a kink in it and cutting off flow of necessary stuff to the baby or cause other problems during a delivery....think like a hose) Anyway, it was decided that I would have a C-section. It was scheduled for the following week, but on Friday, November 9th I went into labor. I stayed at home having contractions, holding out hope that I could have the baby naturally rather than C-section. But then finally called the doctor the next day. I was told to come in and we would do a C-section shortly after I arrived.
(3 days before Jack was born! I was huge!)
It was such an amazing day when my big 10'10" baby Jack was born on November 10, 2007 via C-section! Becoming a mother is the most amazing experience!
I had a very easy recovery from a C-section. I have heard C-section horror stories, but I felt great. Nursing didn't come easy, but that is another story.....The bottom line - I loved being a new mom!
It was such an amazing day when my big 10'10" baby Jack was born on November 10, 2007 via C-section! Becoming a mother is the most amazing experience!
Jack was such an amazingly good baby. I should add that I didn't really feel like I had the baby blues or depression or anything after Jack was born, but when Jack was around 7 months I do believe I started having some obvious signs of depression. However, it was around this time that I accepted a new job as a part time teacher. I went back to work when Jack was about 9 months old. It was hard to be away from him. The new job was stressful. I attributed my feelings of anxiety, stress, and depression solely to all the life changes, but looking back I can see I was battling depression for the first time, in a minor way.
Jack really was such a great baby, a great kid!! I knew I wanted my kids around 2 1/2 years apart in age, so when Jack was about 18 months old, we knew he was ready and we were ready so we decided to start trying for number 2! We were shocked when after a little over a month of being off birth control, I was pregnant!
Now after I had my miscarriage, it made me super paranoid. I was scared to tell anyone, cuz I didn't want to have to tell anyone about a miscarriage. I don't think we told anyone that I was pregnant until I was 16 weeks pregnant (what I considered the safe zone), and even then it was just family. I didn't announce it to my work, on our blog, or on Facebook until I was 22 weeks along! I was sicker with this one, maybe just cuz I was also working, but I lost 10 pounds before I ever started gaining. I must have hid it well at work at least though! Thankfully there were no problems throughout this pregnancy, though I still did have a few more ultrasounds than normal, just to make sure!
(April 2010)
My due date was May 18th, but I went to an appointment on Monday May 3rd, and the doctor was worried about my blood pressure that was going up, and so then I had to come in on Wednesday to see if it had changed, went up, and have a few other things checked like amniotic fluid levels. We went back Wednesday and my blood pressure was even higher and the amniotic fluid levels were pretty low. With all of this iffy medical stuff, and my doctor heading out of country on Sunday for a week, she decided it would be best to deliver him. She checked with the OR and the available time was the next day, Thursday, at 2:30. So here I am the night we found out, stressed and excited and nervous all at the same time! I worked until at least 10:00 the night before he was due trying to get everything at work in
order! What a crazy time!
(May 5, 2010 at about 11 at night!)
order! What a crazy time!
(May 5, 2010 at about 11 at night!)
However, our much smaller Zander LaGrande got here with no problems via C-section on May, 6 2010. He weighed in at 7'9"! He was like half the baby Jack was, so tiny and sweet! On a side note, having babies by C-section, though an easy recovery for me, leaves me feeling like less of a woman. I was raised with brothers that teased me about having "good birthing hips." There is some more irony! I am not a little person, yet I cannot give birth to my children. I still would love to experience what vaginally giving birth, as God intended my body to do, is like. If they will let me, I would do a V-BAC if or when I have a 3rd child.
Now lets be honest. After those first angelic 6 weeks of life, Zander turned on me.... :) He became a crying, Pterodactyl-like screaming, clingy mess until he was about 2!! :) It was rough and I think that with his behavior and a move to a new place (that I don't like) my depression went crazy. I found myself not feeling like myself at all. I did things like scream at my 2 1/2 year old Jack, that I would never normally do, nor had I ever done before. I was low energy, unhappy, impatient, had a very low libido, and had bad mood swings! I look back now and realize I was, have been in a darker place then I have ever been in my life. But once again I didn't want to admit I was depressed, and I certainly didn't want to go on any medication. I don't like drugs. I kept thinking I would snap out of it after I adjusted or maybe I just needed to change my attitude.
I should also mention now that I had a Mirena IUD put in by my doctor in Montana before we moved. I had heard mostly good things about them and my doctor gave me no reason to think it was not a good option. I decided to try it.
I should also mention now that I had a Mirena IUD put in by my doctor in Montana before we moved. I had heard mostly good things about them and my doctor gave me no reason to think it was not a good option. I decided to try it.
Flash forward a couple years. Though I still think Zander is kind of Bi-polar, I have survived the craziness of being his mom. I used to say when he was a baby that I loved him, but I didn't really like him very much. I knew however when he was 18 month old, that I would not be trying to get pregnant again anytime soon, like I had been ready with Jack at that same point. Zander was such Mama's Boy. Much different than Jack who was not so attached, probably because I went back to work when he was 9 months old. Zander would scream, "My mommy! My mommy!" if I held another baby. He did not want a baby, and I wasn't ready yet either! However, as Zander got closer to age 2 we decided it would be good to start trying for number 3!
So in April of 2012, I went in to the doctor to have my IUD taken out. He told me he couldn't find it. What? So we had to schedule a surgery, a hysteroscopy, for him to go in, locate my IUD that had moved, and take it out. Everything went fine. He said it looked like it hadn't damaged anything, and I should be able to get pregnant as soon as it was removed.
We assumed we would get pregnant quickly like we had with the first 3 pregnancies. However, we also thought we needed to plan to make sure we didn't have a baby during basketball season. We didn't really want to get pregnant until the summer, but we didn't ever use any sort of contraceptive. I honestly remember laying in bed with Dustin and jokingly saying on May 1st, "Wouldn't that be funny if we knew our baby was conceived on May Day!!" That is how sure I was that with my "Fertile Myrtle" background, I would be pregnant within a couple months and for sure by the end of summer! I was so excited to add to this cute family that I had!
(Summer 2012)
When each month of Fall passed without me getting pregnant, and everyone and their dog around me getting pregnant or having babies, I got very depressed. It just was not normal for me to take more than a few months to get pregnant. Granted, the depression that set in after Zander was born had never lifted. I have not "adjusted" as I hoped I would. I love being pregnant and I have been putting my life on hold wanting to feel the happiness and confidence that comes in me when I am carrying a baby! Instead, for the last year, especially the last 6 months, I feel depressed, tired all the time, have no energy, and don't usually want to get out of bed in the morning. Every month for the last several that my period has started has felt a little like that first miscarriage to me....a baby that should have been but isn't.
Depression is a vicious cycle in so many ways. Here is one way: you feel down, so you don't be the mom or wife you should be, and then that makes you feel even more sad. And oh the guilt you feel eats you alive. I have a wonderful husband, two wonderful sons, a nice house, enough of everything I need. Everyone looks at me and probably thinks, she should be happy. So then I feel guilty because I should be happy because I have so much to be grateful for, yet I am still depressed. I do not have an awful life. Once again, many people have it worse than me, so why can't I just snap out of it!? Why can't I be the woman I used to be? Why can't I be the kind of wife and mother that Dustin and the boys deserve to have and want me to be all the time and not just in spurts! Another way it is a vicious cycle: I feel sad for many reasons, one of which is because I can't lose weight. Because I am fat, I get even more sad. When I am sad, I don't have the energy or motivation to exercise. When, I am sad, I like comfort food. Then I get even more fat, and more sad.
Depression is a vicious cycle in so many ways. Here is one way: you feel down, so you don't be the mom or wife you should be, and then that makes you feel even more sad. And oh the guilt you feel eats you alive. I have a wonderful husband, two wonderful sons, a nice house, enough of everything I need. Everyone looks at me and probably thinks, she should be happy. So then I feel guilty because I should be happy because I have so much to be grateful for, yet I am still depressed. I do not have an awful life. Once again, many people have it worse than me, so why can't I just snap out of it!? Why can't I be the woman I used to be? Why can't I be the kind of wife and mother that Dustin and the boys deserve to have and want me to be all the time and not just in spurts! Another way it is a vicious cycle: I feel sad for many reasons, one of which is because I can't lose weight. Because I am fat, I get even more sad. When I am sad, I don't have the energy or motivation to exercise. When, I am sad, I like comfort food. Then I get even more fat, and more sad.
How have I been putting my life on hold? I keep saying to myself, I don't want to work too hard to get in awesome shape, and then just lose it by being pregnant. I will work hard after I have my next baby....a baby that hasn't come yet, so I am just still fat, and only sort of in shape. I want to train and run a half marathon, but I keep saying after a baby cuz I don't want to be in the middle of hard core training, or pay and sign up for one in the future (because you have to do it several months in advance), and then be pregnant and not able to do it. Plus, I am paranoid that working out at this point will prevent pregnancy. On the other hand, I am also wondering if my being overweight is preventing pregnancy as well!
About planning....we have already realized it isn't up to us to "plan" around basketball season. We missed that window....twice. Planning means nothing now. We don't get to decide. I can do what I can to be prepared, but this is all obviously in God's hands now.
One other thing: My dad wants to take all of us kids on a cruise for his retirement next April. I am already worried about the what ifs of if I am pregnant (or not then). So much to stress about.
So on with the story. In February I made an appointment with my doctor to talk about several things. My depression for one. Turns out, when I took the test thingy, that I am depressed. (No duh!) And I am sure it is exacerbated by the inability to become pregnant. Once again though, I don't like drugs, especially if I am trying to get pregnant or pregnant, so I decided to not go on any medication for my depression at this point. If or when I have a baby, I will probably go on something after. Hopefully feel like ME again! The second thing I really wanted to address was if he thought the Mirena IUD had somehow did something to me to cause infertility. I had read on a health forum about several other women who had problems with miscarriages and infertility after having a Mirena IUD. The doctor did not validate this in any way, but I can't help but think it did something to ruin me. It is the only thing, besides my age, that was different in between trying to conceive children. The third thing we discussed was options to help me get pregnant. The doctor said he was certain that with the help of Clomid to help me ovulate, I would be pregnant within the next 3 months. I will be starting my 3rd month on Clomid tomorrow. You are only allowed to be on it for 3 months at a time. So hopefully 3rd time will be the charm. If not, it is back to the doctor for tests and who knows what else lies ahead!
I am sad. I am confused. I am frustrated, angry, tired, annoyed, etc! So many emotions. I can't help but look at others who get pregnant so easily, or complain about being pregnant or whatever, with feelings of bitterness. It isn't their fault, and I am not having ill feelings towards them, but there is definitely bitterness, envy, and jealousy that I can't just not feel. I am having a hard time dealing with it. My depression is getting worse.
But life has to go on. And I am trying to be a part of it, and everything that IS in it right now, and try not to focus on what IS NOT in my life right now that my heart desires! Before I end this novel I want to say some things I know:
But life has to go on. And I am trying to be a part of it, and everything that IS in it right now, and try not to focus on what IS NOT in my life right now that my heart desires! Before I end this novel I want to say some things I know:
I KNOW that my family is not complete.
I KNOW Zander is finally ready for a sibling. He asks to keep other people's babies and doesn't freak out anymore if I hold babies. And him and Jack tell me they want a baby!
I KNOW Zander is finally ready for a sibling. He asks to keep other people's babies and doesn't freak out anymore if I hold babies. And him and Jack tell me they want a baby!
I KNOW that I yearn to carry another baby, to experience pregnancy, to nurse, smell, snuggle another baby with every fiber of my being!
I KNOW this has been the hardest year of my life. Full of so much joy, but so much heartache too.
I KNOW that I do have depression, as hard as it is to admit. I know it affects my energy, my moods, my thoughts, my eating habits (another reason I weigh so much!), and my parenting. I know I need to figure out how to fight it, overcome it, and be ME again! (Even if that means taking some medications.)
I KNOW that my Savior and my Heavenly Father are mindful of me and what I am going through. I know I need to trust in their timing and their plan for me. I know I need to have faith. I know they love me. It isn't easy, and I don't understand the whys. Though I feel alone, abandoned sometimes, I will strive to trust and have faith.
And more than anything I KNOW that I am so eternally grateful for the two beautiful, funny, crazy, healthy boys that I have been blessed with. And even though I am fighting depression, and I am not the best mom I could or should be to them, Jack and Zander and Dustin are my world. They are the reason I do finally drag my sorry butt out of bed...eventually...in the morning. They make me feel loved, needed, special. They are my light in my darkness.
(Easter 2013)
My journey is not over. I don't know how much longer I will have to wait, or even if I will have the desires of my heart, or what other trials await me, or what other things we can try, but I will continue on. Trusting. Having faith. Trying not to let depression or my desire for another baby consume my thoughts, actions, life. And I vow to enjoy the beauty in my life. Because my life is full of so much love, so much beauty, so much good.
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